you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
the liver wants what the liver wants
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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