he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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