mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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