she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
