I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
