Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
