im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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