quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
