Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
