when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
