i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
