Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
