I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
