I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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