as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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