He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
