My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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