That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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