First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I think weed is turning my hair brown
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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