I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dear god my vagina.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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