Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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