don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
