There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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