it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
