When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
