I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
A bitchslap is in order.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
