He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
