She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
