it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
