we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
