so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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