He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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