I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
