Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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