Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
