so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
