you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
