Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I need a beard to bite.
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