Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
