oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
being pregnant is like rehab
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
