If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
