words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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