The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
