I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
