i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
