my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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