It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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