How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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