Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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