I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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